NOT HOME YET

I was coming down from the high of hosting an event that had been my heartbeat and my ministry for the past year and a half. I had left my part of me in Dallas, and other pieces of it scattered around the country with my soul sisters who weren’t here in New York. It was spring but it didn’t feel new.

My girlfriend had just given birth to a precious baby boy and I packed up as many sweet treats as I could for her and headed over to snuggle that sweet, new babe. We talked birth and nursing and about all our other babies, could we really even call them babies anymore?  I caught her up on all of Abram’s milestones and we paused for a minute to talk about how each of us are really feeling.

I told her I felt in between. I just feel in between in every possible area of my life. Like I’m waiting for something but I’m not sure what. 


Jen is so wonderful, in countless ways, and I look up to the mother, and follower of Christ, that she is. She sort of shrugged and said That makes sense because we are in-between, ya know? We’re not home yet, we’re just waiting to get home. We’re waiting to be with Christ, and until we get there, we’re always going to feel that way. 


Those words fell over me like a breath of fresh air, and now, five months later, I am still thinking about them.

I don’t need to hold my breath for the next big thing. I don’t need to wonder why I am in my home and not feeling at home. I’m so often racking my brain in all different areas of my life, motherhood in particular right now, on how to feel all there. How to perfect embracing it, not wishing it away, but at the same time wanting a change so badly in whatever struggle it may be.

For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come. Through him then let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge his name. Hebrews 13:14-15

Motherhood is swimming and learning to swim at the same time.  I’m confident I’ll forever be in the in-between with these four lives that make my world go round. Right now I’m in between shouting for joy that it’s September while I’m also missing my baby boy all day long.

I wonder what funny things he’s doing at school, and who’s sitting next to him, and what choices he’s making. I wonder if he’s helping out others, and who’s helping him out. My heart is full thinking about his independence and excitement for school this year, while at the same time, wanting to hold on just a little bit longer (and longer).

I’ve got a almost five year old starting school next week and I’m taking deep breath as I am about to send him off four afternoons a week. I’m putting on my official taxi hat Wednesday, and I’m already trying to navigate through all the papers piling up, the fundraisers, and the soccer practice four times a week.

I’m not sure if motherhood ever gets easier. It just gets different. We stretch, and we bend, and our hearts are shaped differently than they were before. We’re in between different things than we were last year, last week, and yesterday, but tonight, I’m just thankful to be here. Even when here doesn’t look like I imagined it to, I can rest in knowing that it’s not supposed to. I’m not home yet.

Philippians 3:20-21 But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself. 

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