grin and bear it

at this moment in my life as a mother i feel the overwhelming urge to go with the flow, suck it up, grin and bear it, or one of those other breathe, it’s going to be okay mottos. i feel like 98% of the time i am pretty good at this, but, the other 2% does creep in every so often though. like now.

there are some days when i know the play date just won’t be worth it. i know in the back of my mind that keeping foster up from his nap won’t be worth it. and we all know he won’t fall asleep in the stroller even though every morning when i pile ’em in the van and i am repeatedly praying he will. why can’t i have one the kids that will “sleep anywhere”? on those days i know that brody will end up hating what i decide to do that day. he never used to be like that, what has happened to my child?! after all, i am doing these things for their enjoyment. okay, and my sanity. i need to get out and a lot of times i feel like it’s better to get out and have one of them be miserable than stay another day in the house.

but, i don’t have that attitude lately. i’d rather stay in and avoid all screaming, crying, sweating and headaches. i am that bad mother. then, all the sudden, that perfect mother friend pops into my head… she wouldn’t stay in with her kids another day. i am not her.

i take the good with the bad and continue to pretend the not napping child, lack of adult conversation, endless laundry, temper tantrums and crushed cheerios strewn throughout my house are okay. and they are okay, but sometimes i want to scream. is that okay? i always feel bad when i get in these moods, which makes me even more mad….mostly at myself. there are countless woman who would do anything to have this crazy and messy life of mothering two boys and i am whining about it. hear me out, i wouldn’t change my life as it is now for anything in this world. but i sometimes feel like i’m drowning. and i only have two kids. TWO KIDS.

…and we want more. my heart starts to race when i think about having another child. racing in excitement for the most precious gift the lord could bless us with. but racing even more so for the fact that i will die a slow death with a newborn baby at home and my two boys. cause let’s be honest, after our extended stay at the birthing center (just cause we can), we will enter the house, take a deep breath, and realize life as we know will now be defined as surviving. do i sound a little dramatic? cause i’m serious. surviving and postpartum depression. i can see it now….

do you ever get the feeling that this is it? this is what i’ve been waiting for, an i’m-living-the-dream kind of sensation? i dreamt of my future children and being a mom. i’m here. it’s here. the dream has come true! most days i say that with an exclamation point. some days i say it with a question mark. this is the dream?