“BEDTIME” OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT

What exactly goes through my children’s head around seven o’clock every night is beyond me. Really. I have had the blessing of easy sleepers for the majority of the past six years. All my babies took to sleeping through the night within the first six months or so. My fourth came home at seven weeks through domestic adoption and never woke up ever at night until he got to be around seven months old and had a cold. Seriously, my dude rocks the nighttime sleep.

However. They are all out to get me now. They’re making up for lost time. Taking revenge.

All the sudden, some sort of treacherous plague has hit our household. Could it be that we are living with my parents are there are four adults and four children in 1000 square feet? Maybe. Could it be that my children love to see me suffer? Quite possibly. Could it be that I have lost my mind? Yes, yes it could.

It’s as if everything that could possibly go wrong in their worlds goes wrong when I say the words bedtime. All the sudden they have to pee SEVEN TIMES (And they really pee. What is going on here.), and they have runny noses (no), and they need their shorts changed for the third time. They need one more tissue and their leg hurts and they forgot to get their favorite thing out of the bathroom (?).

They hear strange noises but they can’t quite articulate what those noises are, and they hid their nightlight at exactly 6:55 PM and laugh a cruel, cruel laugh as their mom searches every nook and cranny til I NEVER find it again.

I have this certain two year old who always wants more books and more blankets. A) It’s ninety degrees and B) you would not believe the amount of books in this chick’s bed. That can not be comfortable. Oh, and don’t you know, one more song forever. That’s her goal in life, truly, to always get one more song. I’ve changed around their current obsession Lion King’s song to I’m gonna be a mighty King and rip out all my hair. 

No night is complete without a twenty minute I NEED TO GET OUT scream sesh. Over and over and over again. Just to make sure everyone hears her. Especially her baby brother. She’ll even pull out an ouchie! cry to get me to come in there, and slyly laugh and give me I got you good, Mom grin.

Why.

Another child who refuses dinner and wants it handed to him on a platter when he lays in bed. I do it sometimes just to keep him in there. Judge me. You want to sleep in crumbs? Ok. You like peanut butter on your pillow? Fine by me. He actually probably does like peanut butter on his pillow. Someone help me.

I find myself googling, how to keep your children in bed. Are there other legal ways to do this that I do not know about? Enlighten me. I mean, what more can I offer them? Stuffed animals, books, night lights, sandwiches, sitting outside their room for three hours, and my endless love. What do you want from me, children? What is it?

We also have the bolters, as we like to call them. They bolt out of bed every hour on the hour from, oh say, 1 AM to 4 AM. Just making sure mom and dad are still out there, ya know. Just making sure our eyes are set to bleed for the next twenty four hours and everything.

I can’t even keep up. They’re escaping constantly and I’ll think they’re finally down and BOOM another one is out. Look around and BOOM another one flies by. A door is opened, a baby lost his pacifier, homegirl’s about to jump out of her bed, and I’m banging my head against the wall. I used to work at night, now I cry.

All these moms be like I never want them to grow up! and I’m like… are you a teenager who likes to sleep yet? 

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